Low sex Drive

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LOW SEX DRIVE

thought we would just start with aspit ball... whatever comes to mind... “low sex drive”. Nothing? (Laughter) Exactly. Yeah exactly. Hi there lovers and friends. So I kept that bit of silence in the videobecause I felt like it was perfectly telling of what it's like to go through low sex drivesince people don't talk about in fear of being judged and hopefully with that video we canhelp to change the culture. About one in ten women in the U.S. has hypoactivesexual desire disorder. That's millions of women some in there 20'swho need solutions, need advice, but above all else, need to be heard. And with that in mind, I invited five verybrave, incredible individuals to the table to discuss low sex drive including HSDD, whichis low sex drive that a woman finds frustrating. So I want to introduce you to Sam, Lou Lou,Sky, Brooke, and Alana. And in the spirit of sharing their truth forsome of these women for the very first time, I decided to ask that question again. So tell us candidly what is it like to gothrough low sex drive? Low energy? Lack of self-confidence. Yeah, that's a good one. Disappointing. Pressure. Pressure comes to mind. Less ways to connect. Losing your sexual identity. Oh wow. Yeah. There's a word Satya and it means the truth,the reality of what we are and what we're feeling and it's insane how valuable it isto not only understand yourself but to be able to express that. But when I do try to talk about it it's alwaysmisunderstood or miss-expressed like I couldn't find the words to express what was happeningto me. What Lou Lou said about not having thewords to describe her low libido is an extremely common thread. So, with this video language was really importantto me to ensure that I gave you the tools to express yourself as accurately and as clearlyas possible. And in order to do that I needed some helpso I reached out to unblush to partner with them. unblush is a space where women who are frustratedwith their low sex drive can go for resources, tools, advice, and community. unblush helps women who are frustrated withtheir low sex drive to find support. Plus, they have a ton of resources on theirsite including real stories, FAQS, and articles so that women who are struggling with HSDDcan turn their distress into a strength. They are experts in this space and unblush.comhas been a massive resource for me when it comes to my own research into HSDD. And if you're sitting there thinking whatexactly is HSDD, don't worry you are right on schedule. HIT THE LIGHTS! Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, or HSDDfor short, is a common treatable medical condition characterized by ongoing, frustrating, lowsexual desire. It has been recognized by the medical communityfor decades. HSDD is the most common sexual dysfunctionin women and affects about 1 in 10 in the U.S. some as young as 20. HSDD is believed to be an imbalance of chemicalsin the brain that controls sexual desire. It is also associated with negative emotionalstates, including frustration, hopelessness, anger, poor self-esteem, and loss of femininity. Myself and unblush want us all to live ina world where HSDD and frustrating low sex drive is not taboo or embarrassing, but instead,widely understood and above all else discussed with empathy and action. Especially since HSDD can be treated. Welcome back now that you knowthe basics, let's dive back into the women's stories. I asked each of them to describe their personalexperience with low sex drive. I was like 20 to 22, I was living with my now ex-fiance, and just feeling thatI just didn't like I didn't want him to like touch me. I didn't want to like him to lay in the bedwith me and when he wanted to just even like a simple kiss I was just like I know thisis gonna lead to sex and this is just not something I want to do. My experience with a low sexdrive really began after this really long relationship I had with one of my best friendsand him and I, um, really struggled with the sex part. And after that relationship I kind of wenton the other end of the spectrum and I was just like having fun and just doing what Iwanted and I was really enjoying it, and then all of the sudden like I wasn't and I waslike okay. I don't know... it's so complicated. [laughter]The whole you just haven't met the right person yet is the most invalidatingthing ever [collective “yes”] and it's so frustrating. Um, so I'm still figuring it out. Got a therapy session on Tuesday. Congratulations. Thank you. Love therapy. I've kind of tumbled through thelast five years through phases of very high sexual drive and very low sexual drive. So, it's been a lot of reflection and a lotof, kind of, trying to figure out what it correlates with in regards to the relationshipsthat I fell in and out of and how it correlated with my physical activity moving so much. At times it was very hard. It was very hard, um, heavy on relationships. Um, but more so heavy on myself - on my energyand on my confidence and on my my desire to kind of follow my dreams and to fulfill myself. I experienced that when I did have this lowsexual drive and I wasn't attracted to people, my creativity and my desire to create in generalwas just very low. So, that was very hard. Uhhh, I was in a committed relationshipwith a girl, with a woman, and she... I fell into a depression and ended up takingan antidepressant that really just you know, so my sex drive is already limited but evenwith her I didn't want her to do anything to me at that point. Um, like I would be totally fine pleasingher but like I didn't want her touch me and so that was a weird point of tension in therelationship. Even just as a kid maybe 12/13 years old when all my friends in school were like“oh my god this guy is so hot” or like crushing on this guy and what not like, whatdoes that even mean. It took several years ‘til I found the labelasexual and was able to kind of find other people who were like me. It's important to note that thereis a difference between HSDD and low sex drive, or asexuality. The main one being that HSDD is characterizedby a frustration with the lack of sex drive and a desire to see an increase. Where as in Sam for example who identifiesas asexual is not looking for a solution. Instead, she accepts her lack of drive asa part of her intimate truth, or as Sky would call it, her Satya. However, for people who are frustrated bythe lack of drive one of the more frustrating things on top of that is those who believethat the solution is as easy as just changing your mindset. I had an experience where,because you kind of brought this up into my head, where I was like okay just do it justlike say put it in your mind and just go and just like, you know, initiate this sex. And my body just like started malfunctioninglike I was like it was very dry down there, like, things started making sounds thingsstarted hurting and it was just like, I can't think myself into it. Cuz I had a moment where I was like okay youknow could just you know think about it and it's just gonna happen. And it was like that, that moment was likethe worst experience I’ve ever had with um, my partner at the time. Now you may have noticed thatLou Lou mentioned dryness or other malfunctions when she tried to initiate sex. Now those are really important pieces of hersexual desire puzzle. So when you talk to your doctor make sureyou mention everything that you're experiencing so that your doctor has all of the informationthey need to properly help you. To me feeling obligated to havesex or feeling as though a partner with a higher sex drive than myself being pushedinto that... that's a dishonor in my art in a way, that's dishonoring my emotions andmy feelings. But it's hard, because I want to step up tothat you know like I feel so good when I have that high sexual drive that I want to be ableto communicate that with somebody more than anything, because I don't want low sex driveto end a relationship for me if it's a relationship that I want and am meant to be in. Mhm But, um, I think communication is just so insanely important to be able to talk withyour partner with a loved one and explain to them how you're feeling and maybe how togo about it. Even if you don't know. And communication is so wonderful but it'snot the answer to everything, it's just a tool to find the answer. And that's another, I think... thelike...you had a light bulb just go off in my head. Um, I think that's another reason why I don'tconnect with people like that. It's because I did try to communicate andevery time I would try to communicate with him, it was like a “well you just neededthis” and then it was just a quick shut down. Off Camera: The problem was on you. Yeah, so I was just like aren’twe in this together? Just like Lou Lou did, a lot ofpeople do try to go to their partners for support but because there is a lack of publicawareness of this dysfunction, when partners hear “hey I just don't have the desire Iused to” they can interpret that as: “I don't have the desire for you that I usedto” And for many, that couldn't be any further from the truth. HSDD impacts more than someone's drive withjust their partner, it also extends into other areas like not having sporadic sexual thoughtsor desires at all. Not responding to erotic materials and finally,not having a drive to masturbate. I would say when my sexual drivewas normal, I would do that fairly regularly, like, a few times a week um it would helpme go to sleep sometimes because you know climaxing makes you tired. Um, so and experiencing low self sex low sex drive um I don't really have the the.. Urge And I don't. Yeah. I don't have the urge to do that umm it'sreally like a last resort thing like if I can't sleep that maybe happens like once amonth, so yeah, it's just not there like the desires just not there and so So across the board Across the board, yeah, even withmyself so in that way, that's why I was like “oh, I should see a doctor about this”,because in that way I'm like “that's not normal for me.” It was the same way I was likegoing through the mechanisms in my head and it just felt so disconnected that I was likei'm not doing this like I mean I got like rivers and everything was flowing but it wasjust like I don't feel anything. If you want to masturbate and you do that's a form of self love and self careum but if you intend to masturbate with the intention of heightening your sex drive it'snever worked out that direction for me. HSDD is not a choice it's a sexualdysfunction kind of like erectile dysfunction as a matter of fact a lot of HSDD treatmentsare referred to as the female viagra. And on one hand that's helpful because it'shelps people understand that HSDD often requires medical treatment. On the other hand, it causes a lot of confusionabout what the difference actually is. So I'm going to break it down for you. Now, with erectile dysfunction that is whensomeone with a penis has a drive to have sex but when they get there they cannot maintainor get an erection. While HSDD is when someone does not have adrive to have sex and they find that lack of drive extremely frustrating. Think about it like this, erectiledysfunction is like wanting to go out getting in your car but despite your enthusiasm yourcar won't start. While HSDD is feeling like you should go outbut having no drive to get up and go on your way. But, what both dysfunctions have in commonis stigma, and the stigma in HSDD is so strong that it prevents majority of women from goingto the doctor's to discuss medical treatment options. So I asked the group, “has stigma preventedyou from going to a doctor and asking if there is something that can help?” I was just, I was always scaredand kind of ashamed to even ask that because like we're humans and it's like, supposedto be in our nature so I didn't wanna feel defective or like just weird in any way so,no. That's funny that you say that,‘cause that's the exact reason I did talk to my doctor was like we're humans I'm youknow lacking this I should talk about it. [Off-Camera]: Yeah. Um, and then the reaction she gaveme just was just dismissive so, I'm like okay well find someone else. You know, even though I love her, like, Ilove my doctor but she just didn't get it, so, yeah. Hmmm. I guess for me the only reason I did end uptalking to my doctor was because I wanted to talk about my depression and all of thatand so like, it came up as, “well possible side effects might be this” and so likeI kind of knew it was coming, you know, in terms of um, yeah taking the medication andthat that might follow up. It's important to note that antidepressantsparticularily selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors or SSRIs have been shown to impactone's sex drive. As Alena did please be sure to talk to yourdoctor if you are on antidepressants and experiencing low sex drive. I'm so interested to know how wewould go about dealing with low sex drive if we were fearless. Like, caution and safety considered, but ifwe weren't afraid to talk to our friends about it, if we weren't afraid to our partners,if we weren't afraid to talk to ask our doctor, or to try new things. I really am curious like, what that wouldlook like. Alright so as we just saw goingto the doctors to discuss HSDD is not everyone's ideal entry point. In fact, a study of over 3,000 found thatpeople suffering from low sex drive that was frustrating did not want to talk to theirdoctor because 1) they were embarrassed or 2) they feared that it wouldn't be taken seriously. And that is why over 80 percent of peoplewho have frustrating low sex drive do not seek out medical help and find a solutionthat's right for them and I think that has to change. But, we got to meet people where they are,so if you do go to a doctor for example, you will probably be given what is known as aDecreased Sexual Desire Screener test. Which finds out if you are a candidate foran HSDD diagnosis. Well unblush.com has something similar calledan HSDD Symptom Checker quiz. So, I had everyone in the group do this quiztogether to see if it brought any topics that we hadn't yet addressed. It's asking how the sex drive relatesto poor body image and I would say that it does but, um, I'm not quite sure which directionthat flows, it may be both. Definitely when I have, um, I'm having problemswith body image I definitely feel lower sexual drive. Um, I’m not so sure low sex drive makesme feel any discomfort with my body, though. Mhm. Like I said, I feel like generally when I’ve been experiencing low sex driveI feel very low in my energy and passion in general, so I’m sure that makes sense asto why I didn’t feel as though I had as much excitement to share with my partner. I have to open up. [Off-Camera]: Yes I have to get deep. And am I ready to get deep? Yeah, part of that is your responsibilityis like, being open and yeah you know Recognizing that you're afraidof it and it's scary and uncomfortable and then doing it anyway, assuming it's a safeplace to do so or a safe relationship to do so but the practice really makes such a differencebecause the more you do it the more you have that conversation with different people. The easier it gets and the more you startto learn again your own inner languaging of how to express. I have one that says we're not“um, we're not connecting as much and um I think this is a really interesting questionbecause personally throughout the two relationships that I did experience low sex drive, I definitelyexperienced a lack of wanting to connect in ways other than just through sex. I found myself like within a lack of passion. I'm comfortable opening-upand talking I just think it's just after receiving someone's reaction to what I'm saying it makesme discouraged. And it's not always gonna go greatbut I think that you'll find something valuable out of it. I love to ask because I know even Sam thisis for you being here is you putting yourself in a situation that was very uncomfortable. Um, I would like to check in with you guys. How did today go for you? How do you feel? Today was like a big step becauseI know my family's gonna see this and they are like very preservative and like clenchmy pearls and you're not talking about sex. You can just do it when time permits it so,I felt very nervous but then I'm just like, I have to be my own person and be my... like, create this life for me. Not just this narrative that was given tome. So, I got comfortable as I started talking. Yeah just being able to actuallytalk to people about these kinds of things and not have it be so internal that's beencool cuz yeah I haven't really talked to anybody about a lot of these things. And I want to be a part of thislike. Like, I want to be a part of a revolutionof people that feel much more comfortable talking about these kind of taboo things becauseI think it's so beneficial and I do, I feel a lot better after talking and hearing abouteverybody's experiences and I just I really, really wish this kind of safe space upon peoplewho need it. And also not just for peoplefor women Women were we were taught tobe ladies like we can't talk about sex or we can't explore that part of ourselves openlyand I feel like I've known that I was different from my aunt's and my cousins for a whilebut I just couldn't like pinpoint like, what what was really different about me and nowI know that there's a lot of things different about me. And finally, the question thatI like to end all group discussions with... If you were to give advice to your formerself about how to manage your frustrating low sex drive, what would you say? I always say to myself, um,it’s okay not to know everything. What you know you know and what you don’tyou will learn. I would say there's just there'snothing wrong with you per se. [Off-Camera]: You’re valid. You are valid yeah like there is nonormal in terms of sex and sexuality and like I'm struggling with feeling abnormal sometimesbut like I would just say just know there's nothing wrong. Yeah, don't be ashamed. There’s so much more pleasurethat I can receive in my body that isn’t inherently sexual. And so it doesn’t have to be like, intercouse,it doesn’t have to be masturbation like there’s so many other ways that my bodycan feel pleasure that could be sexual, could be just sensual, and so like my journey withexploring that has been really fun lately because I’m like, woah there’s like awhole playground and I was only told about the slide. But there’s like swings and a seesaw anda marry go round, like there’s so much more. I love that [Off-Camera]: That’s a good metaphor I feel like I’m like that’s Thank you where I’m heading, like the exploration. Because I know I’m very sensual, like Ilike touches, I like smells, I know that about myself. Create space for yourself and honorthat space regardless of other people can or will most definitely. And be honest, even at the expense of feelingscared. Thank you so much to the groupfor such an incredibly candid and powerful conversation. In addition, I want to say a massive thankyou to the sponsor of this video Unblush. Thank you for the work that you do. Thank you for providing the space to holdthe discussion that has been kept in the dark for far too long. If you or someone that you knowis struggling with HSDD or low sex drive that is frustrating, I urge you to go over to unblush.comto find more resources. You can also find the Symptom Checker Quizthat we did in this video on that site, and so in the info box below you can find thelinks to that and if you scroll down a little further after you hit some links leave a comment. Do you have an experience with low sex drivethat you want to share and if so, let's keep the discussion going.